Feeling the Strain

I keep putting this off.

"I've gotta plan for tomorrow."
"I've got to give feedback and assess those essays."
"I need to pack more boxes (our house is on the market)."
"I. Am. Exhausted."

All of those are, I think, terribly accurate and acceptable reasons why I haven't posted a blog in a while. We wrapped up a large project recently about who we are as learners. It was incredible to see the students delve deeply into how they think and learn best. It has been jaw-dropping to watch these presentations where they take their learning styles, interests, abilities, and intelligences and actually use them all to produce something for school. Now we are moving on to the project that I spent the better part of the summer planning, outlining, and thinking about.

So what's the problem?

I'm exhausted.

My brain has been in creation mode for a year now about what this class could look like. I have spent hours upon hours examining my practice and thinking of ways that I could change my assignments, delivery, expectations, feedback and everything else to maximize my effectiveness for each individual student with unique needs and abilities.

In September, I shifted from the theoretical to the actual. Now I have actual students, all with unique backgrounds, interests, and abilities, all of whom need something different in order to become the best learners that they can. They are all in a different place in regards to their thoughts about school, themselves, their family, and everything else. All of which directly impacts the way they interact in class.

Tweaking and overhauling is the business I am in.

But I am feeling the strain.

On top of being tired from creating, tweaking, and overhauling, I find that I am second guessing myself. Perhaps that is what is the largest burden right now. In the beginning, I was so pumped full of adrenaline for being able to stage my own educational revolution in my classroom, that I did not spend much energy being self-conscience or fearful. That has changed. For whatever reason, the voice of the critics that have been present from the beginning are now beginning to sound much louder to me. I do not believe that their volume has increased, I think it is something within me that has caused me to notice it more. What's more, I think there are times when I am actually imagining the sounds. Some of those voices have not only quieted, but have actually begun to say positive things about what is happening in my class. So what's my issue? Why do I live in fear right now of having to stand in front of a tribunal and answer for every second of teaching I have done?

I really do not know. I believe with every cell in me that the direction in which I have taken my students is the right direction. I also believe that there has been enough time that has passed where I now have my own little collection of mistakes, ranging in size from tiny up to gargantuan, and I need to analyze those mistakes to determine how I can learn from them. It is no longer theoretical. It is no longer a cool conversation to have with someone over dinner. It is real. It is messy. It is beautiful. I find I am spending a significant amount time looking back on what I should have done to avoid those mistakes. I then start thinking about how I will do things differently in the future. Both of those are fine to a degree, but it can become quite exhausting and distract from applying the lessons to the present.

This is the part where I bring it all together in some deep way and make myself feel much better.

(Crickets chirping for several minutes.)

There. That's better.

Except, it's not.

I do not know what the answer is, but this is what I am going to try.

I am going to try to let go more. Give more control to my students. Allow their creativity and interests to guide us more.   I am going to try to give more opportunities for growth to occur in my class. I am going to try to give myself a break. This is not a perfect classroom and it never will be. I am not a perfect teacher and never will be. That's ok, and I need to be ok with it. I am going to try to spend more time doing things that I love doing, without trying to turn it into a lesson. I just want to experience that joy in the moment when I am playing with my kids, spending time with my wife, cutting wood in my woodshop, or whatever else it may be. If it turns into a lesson, great. No more forcing. I am going to try to be more patient. First with myself, and then with all those around me. I am going to rest. Not everything will be cleared off of my to-do list for today. If you're ok with that, than so am I.

Will any or all of this work?

I hope...