Loosening My Grip

In 48 hours, my students will go before our superintendent and present their project proposal.

Guess how I'm feeling.

In so many ways this presentation is not just about getting the green light for our service learning project. It is about us showing what we've done. It is about trying to communicate that this program is working. It is about these students showing that their engagement goes up when they take ownership of their learning. It is about them showing that they have indeed risen from the ashes as something better.

That is an awful lot to have riding on one presentation.

My biggest struggle right now? Letting go of my need to control, fix, and perfect. Giving my students the freedom to own their learning and to study things that really interest them has been one of the most rewarding and challenging things I've done. I absolutely believe to the core of my being that I need to not only encourage but also assist in busting students out of the boxes in which school has jammed them. They need the freedom to explore, discover, experiment, succeed, and, at times, fail. They need for me to throw heaps and heaps of fuel on the embers of the former fire for learning they possessed as young kids. They need to be invited to become players in their education, not audience members. They need to be encouraged to become better critical thinkers, not task-doers.

But, this is messy. This is beautiful.

This is hard for someone who likes plans, routine, and control.

As I walk around the room days before the presentation, I want desperately to wordsmith vision statements, clean up Keynote slides, nitpick body language, and organize spreadsheets. I want a slick presentation that will leave our superintendent with her jaw on the floor.

I want it to reflect well on me.

There. I said it. I want to look good. I want it to look like I know what I'm doing. It kills me to admit it. But it's true. Perhaps that is where a lot of the tension is coming from. Wishing there was not as much brokenness in me, but recognizing that there is.

I need to let go. I need to get my head right.

So today, less than 48 hours from when my students will present, I let go of my need to look good. I remind myself that it is not my class. It is my students'. I remind myself that authentic and organic is often not shiny or sparkly, but of much greater value. I remind myself that I love these students unconditionally. Grace, not outcomes. I remind myself that they have already shown me how extraordinary they are.

I remind myself that they are no longer defined by what they did last year, or even what they are doing now. They are defined simply by who they are.

To OOTA, I am sorry there was ever any hint of me wanting to look good as a result of your hard work. Please forgive me. I am in your corner, cheering you on like crazy, and I believe in you. This is about you, your hard work, and making sure you get all the credit you absolutely deserve.

You are amazing.